I'll apologise in advance to my American readers but...hoho - just read on...
JOHN CLEESE's LETTER TO AMERICA
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like", "know whad I'm
sayin'?", and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 will be
a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers, self-help gurus and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you Japanese, Korean and German cars,
you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gas") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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Lol - only a Python!!!
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16 comments:
Hee hee - it's a beaut, isn't it. Hahahahaha - "look up vocabulary" indeed. lmao.
I'm just glad he targeted Kansas and not Nebraska.
Phew!
-J
PS: John Cleese is a constant living, breathing reminder that Earth is the third rock from the sun. For that I will always owe him my life.
Nope, as much as I like to think I "get" most things you say, Morg, I'm afraid on this occasion you've lost me!
Hahahah ...
I'm not even going to tell you what I meant because I made a big time mistake.
Hahahaha ...
If you can figure out this Morgy puzzle, I will bake you batch of chocolate chip cookies.
Hahaha.
I'm an idiot.
` All I can say is... that letter makes me to want to suck John Cleese's dick. MmmmmmMMMM!
` Oh, that's another thing - there should also be a rule (besides our actual laws) that tell Americans to stop chopping half their baby's dicks off just because they think it's cuter that way.
` I'm serious!! What freakin' weirdos! It's hell for your sex life - that's why the Victorians started doing it! I'm not making this up!!! I guess people forgot and it became a fashion statement.
Wow - too much info, See! On the other matter (circumcision I assume is to what you refer) - that's the Jews for ye. Sure, don't they run America?
` Actually, the fundamentalist Christians do now - which is why religion is being forced into the science classroom - but that's never stopped people of all creeds from being obsessed with wee-wee chopping.
` Like I said, it started in the 1800s with people like that cereal guy, Kellogg, who vowed to stop 'self-abuse', even if it took genital mutilation, and forcing people to eat Corn Flakes. (No, really!!)
` After a while, everyone thought at least the male version of genital mutilation stopped all kinds of disparate medical ailments, including hydrocephalus and paralysis, because it was believed that sperm loss was more detrimental than blood loss.
` I'm not making this up! That's why it was started!
` Nowadays, people don't believe that nonsense but since they kept doing it out of habit, they have tried to rationalize it in the most BIZARRE ways.
` Like, in real life it can really drastically reduce sensation - for obvious reasons - and continue on for years as damage accrues and causes the mucus membrane to become a giant callous.
` Mmm. Say it with me. Mucus membrane!!!!
` Anyway, that was the whole point to begin with. Nevertheless, one rationalization is that it somehow improves sensation.
` Okay, where do all these extra nerve signals come from? Do you pull them from a hat? I don't know. I think it has to do with the American belief that the foreskin doesn't move and covers up certain things.
` Not only are they thought of as a sexual nuisance, they are treated as tumors - sorry, tumours - so there's no question whatever that they must be removed. Hardly anybody thinks that maybe it's just a body part and not a disease.
` Well, how would they know? They've probably never seen one before, only heard of it. I'm serious!
` As a result of all this there are, and have been for some time, women who are deathly afraid of foreskins and refuse to look at one, and men who have no idea what one is but sure are glad they don't have one, and some don't even realize they're missing anything and that's just they way they were born!
` So, if you ever think that America really is a three-ring circus, there's always something more to back that up!
` Don't you think that backs it up pretty well?
` PS The reason I know all this was because everyone told me that foreskins caused diseases and cancer. Well, all the medical organizations I consulted gave numerous reasons why it only does a lot of harm, and the chances of it causing an improvement are less than the chances of winning the lottery.
` Therefore, I became highly alarmed. But I can also see a comedic value in it.... whoops, gotta go. Time for brekkie. In America.
It doesn't. Stop self abuse, that is. It is reportedly "cleaner" but if one cleans oneself anyway it's a moot point. And it's there to stop uncomfortable "rubbing" I'd imagine. (I'm quite attached to mine actually hoho).
Mainly it's for religious reasons I think but as religion is just a way of controlling the masses, it interests me not.
The Christian fundamentalists may THINK they runs things but it's still the Jews who have all the money so...well, money talks, screams, demands in fact.
` Ha! It certainly is the merchant cultures of the world that hang onto a stable chunk of power. That's why Hitler wanted them dead.
` Damned power-crazy Hitler! I always knew he would grow up to do no good....
` But I gotta say, no it isn't mainly a religious thing. Well, okay, it might be in the world at large, but in America, almost everyone who does it is NOT Jewish (or Moslem). Most of the people who circumcise their boys are Catholics, atheists, Buddhists, etc. (Most of the people who circumcise their girls here - which is also illegal - are probably not, though.)
` And though wee-wee-chopping rates are much lower than they have been in a while (from over 90% in the 1950's), it is still practiced by about 65% of Americans. Probably only three percent of those are Jewish.
` And you're right, it doesn't stop 'self abuse', it just makes it a hell of a lot more work. I knew a guy who had to have it done because of a freak injury and afterwards he couldn't even figure out how to 'do anything' with it for about a year! (And, even though sex for him was painful before, he says it was still a lot better back then than it is now!)
` So I mean, it was to make men less interested in sex. In real life, a circumcised baby will be more likely to grow up into a sexually frustrated man and may feel more of a need to engage in 'risky' behavior to make up for their lessened gratification.
` No, really!
` Does it disturb you that I would know so much about this subject?
Google's a wonderful thing. No, it doesn't bother me; one can never learn too much.
I sometimes wish I didn't know what I do. Ignorance sometimes IS bliss.
` I just use my knowledge as an excuse to edify people. Some job that is!
Ooh - edify, nice word.
` Thanks. Hey, I wonder how long we can go on doing this....
Forever if you get me started on the bloody Papists!
` Snicker!
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