EARTH HOUR... ZZZZ... ...

Well. It's eight o clock; it's the 29th of March -- and every light in my house (including the fridge door being left open) in on! Woohoo!

TV, stereo, laptop - all on. Oh - and the air-con.

How are you suckers doin', sittin' there in the dark? A spike in the conception rate will occur no doubt. Then you can say, "ooh, wittle Apple, or Posy (or some other such ridiculous 'Earth mama' name) was conceived during "Earth Hour". Why hold back, why not keep and name the placenta - y'freaks? "Inspiration of daughter" perhaps?

And back to your office building tomorrow that uses enough energy to power a small island! Secure in the knowledge you've done 'your bit' to combat an event over which we have absolutely zero effect.

Furthermore, despite the proclamations of concern for 'our planet', it now comes second to the reason we do anything. Wealth, and power. And with the kind of figures we're dealing with here, (more billions) and it's global commitment... pockets are being filled, rest assured of that.

More cynicism you say? You'd be right. Doesn't negate anything I say though.

It's defined as
1: the belief that people always act from selfish motives (in 'people' I speak of the Antichrist, Gore and his underlings) and,
2: a person who raises doubts about something (there are as many who dispute Gore's laughable and fodder of morons, theory, ME being one of them).

So-ooo...lights on! Finger extended!

SPEAKING OF "ONLY IN AMERICA”…

Pastor Benny Hinn. Or rather, Benny Hinn, Ministeries.

I mentioned a while back, the kind of TV I’m offered at 4am on a given morning. Mainly infomercials and Christian TV.

Pastor Benny, as he’s oft referred to in the name of familiarity (so you’ll be more likely to get your money out – but we’ll get to that later…) is the subject of one such program.
I came in from walking the Boys after work and switched on the TV as a matter of course.
Actually I was first presented with Victoria Principal’s…secret…something or other (one of the infomercials). Basically some super cream that reverts the user to her teenage years - least that’s what it sounds like listening to the raft of happy customers paraded on the ad.

So I hopped, 'cause I don't need face cream, 'cause I'm not gay – and happened on Pastor Benny flogging his books, “What God Wants You To Do With Your Money” or God's Plan For Your Money and the ubiquitous “Way to…” brand (…have success, make money, be happy etc.)
And that’s not all. Pastor Benny, it seems, is taking what amounts for all intents and purposes, a world tour. Several dates in the US (obviously), then a few in Europe no less, then over to Indonesia. Go Benny. Sounds awfully familiar. Didn't Gore swan the globe selling his message...?

Now, call me cynical if you want (and if you do I'll tell y'what - you send your 30 bucks...), but our Benny offers us his book free – for only a 30 bucks US “gift” to… not sure, didn’t watch that closely, presumably some “poor person” somewhere.
But in the small print at the end credits of the show (end credits eh – that’s movin' with the times!), in small print buried amongst all the nonsense about the IRS and such, it says something to the effect of… (damn, what was it – an exercise in mental dexterity, recalling the fine print of anything) “Benny Hinn industries reserves the right to use funds for alternative means – not necessarily the advertised charitable organization. Or words to that effect.

Hmmm…ALLEGEDLY (just in case the good Pastor’s in the vicinity and I haven't got it verbatim…)
He had a guest on too, as a matter of fact; a silver-haired boyo, telling us that we were different to the rest, that our desire for wealth came from a higher plane – a just plane

*Good grief, I just hopped again and saw a headline on NBC News which said "God Goes Green". The reporter’s soundbite I heard was informing of a new, 11th commandment.
"Renew, resuse, recycle". What must the Big Man be thinkin'...?
See,,,SEE… I bloody NEW Gore was the Antichrist!*


Anyway, the good Pastor's on again tomorrow morning so I'll have another look. See if this poor sinner can repent.

EARTH DAY

That's right, the 29th of March I believe. Everyone's being encouraged to turn off ALL lights at 2000 (8PM) on this date to...I don't know...save the planet or some other such bollocks.
Sounds like the work of the Antichrist, Gore, another one of his dumb ideas. What, is he getting all the carbon credits to offset the huge amount he burns whilst flying the globe in his private jet exploiting the suckers? Or maybe it's to offset the electricity bill for his McMansion...

1/ What...a load...of shit
2/ Come 2000 in my house I'm switchin on every mf light I can find. Radio, TV, even the microwave (mind you, I have to get one of those!)

Earth day indeed. Gimme a fuckin break!!

THE BEAVER AD

Oh man, hohoho...

In one of those "Naked Gun" films, there's a line Leslie Neilson says while Priscilla Presley is up a ladder looking for...a book I think, if memory serves.

"Nice beaver", he deadpans (as only he can do), the obvious connotation being the sexual reference. Then the camera cuts to an actual beaver on top of the shelf.

Hehe heh - funny stuff. Toilet humour I know, but funny nonetheless.

Aaaanyway - in the Daily Rag I came across the following headline:

"Viewers damn the beaver ad"

Kotex, the tampon company has aired this ad where an attractive young woman spends the day traipsing around with her pet beaver (hoho, even as I write...). She (they) goes to lunch, then to the hairdressers to get their nails done, then get gawked at by men on a beach (stupid fuckin paper doesn't clarify whether the men or our stars are on the beach, however...).
The ad concludes with the voice over,

"You've only got one so for the ultimate care, make it U" ("U" must be the product name I suppose). The woman then hands the beaver a packet of tampons as a gift.

LMMFAO!!! Ahahahahaha. Where do I see this ad?

Those with the delicate wittle minds complained. Says Alison Abernathy, ASB (Avertising Standards Board) chief, "A lot of complaints came in over the weekend".
(Shouldn't have a woman in this position for a start - they're too emotional and over-sensitive - and easily offended, thereby negating the objectiveness required for a level view - but that's for another post...
The rag quotes Penny Warneford who apparently is "helping" to run the campaign as saying the product range targeted the 18-24 year olds who often had euphemisms for their genitals (as y'do!).

The whiners want it pulled.

Only in Australia. It used to be America, to which the term was applied; mind you, America's boast was one of having the most freaks (still holds that title I'm sure); Australia's is one of whiners.

The old joke goes:
Q: "How many Australians does it take to dig a hole?
A: "10. One to dig the hole and nine to create a "people against the hole" committee".

And true to form, the complaint lines have been inundated with the aforementioned whiners, bleating on about how offensive the ad is.

Why don't you lot just fuck off and get a life! You make me want to defecate!

FUCKING VODAFONE!!

Stay tuned - Vodafone is next to face my ire...mfs!

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE THIS...?

Page fifteen of the Daily Rag carries a small piece concerning our glorious leader, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's plan to combat the ever increasing pasttime of binge drinking amongst "our young people". (Hate that term - and they're not MY young anything...).
He calls it a "no holds barred" campaign, with the purpose of "scaring the living daylights" (or words to that effect) out of the kids who think it cool to sink piss ad infinitum.
Fine words, Kev; seemingly noble sentiments. Except:

Page fourteen of the same Rag is completely devoted to cheap piss - the entire page (that's the knucklehead editor for you, placing these adjacent to one another. Too busy licking the arses of the politicians and powerbrokers to notice, I expect...).

In this holiest time of the Christian calendar, the piss companies (in this case a seller called BWS - Beer, Wine and Spirits), have advertised their own campaign. Called, "Bucks Bunny", complete with big bunny ears, the advert offers (in huge letters) $5 Five bucks off your next purchase (as long as that purchase is drinkable!).

Smaller print underneath says, "Purchase any of these special offers and receive a $5 BWS voucher to spend on your next purchase of participating products". I.e. more piss!

Under this offer it shows pictures of cases, that's CASES of beer with "save $9" or "save $20" as well as the "+$5 bucks off voucher".

And that's not all. Beneath the cases we have the hard stuff. Vodka, whiskey, bourbon, rum, and something called "Jagermiester liquer". Obviously German or Austrian or something like that - and they make powerful piss.
Beside those, the wines. All with the "voucher", just in case, A case or two and a few bottles isn't enough!

Moreover, they then have the audacity to add - at the bottom, "We take responsible service of alcohol seriously".

Then why am I laughing?

So Kev, my suggestion would be that just maybe you do something about the piss companies practically GIVING away piss, and society's attitude to non drinkers as having something wrong with them before you spend my tax dollars for some dickhead in an advertising agency to flex his creative muscle!

AND TOMORROW ON SUNRISE...

"...we ask, "should four-wheel drive vehicles be taxed separately for driving on our city streets?"

... ... ...don't know quite where to begin with this one. I KNOW it shits me, this whole sanctimony-riddled-opinion attitude. And I know I have a 4x4 ute whose "handiness" nullifies all question.

Sunrise is this "made for the masses" morning show full of happy, smiling faces. Bright colours, light entertainment. Boner inspiring women too actually - that could be just me...!
...Talking about "our world" and generally rattling on about how we should be nice to one another, and wringing their hands at the injustices of society - (most of, if not all of which is mercenary in that they're paid for what they say, a la script. Like radio hosts, their truthfulness of speech is questionable).

All shiny teeth and perfect hair, quick with a giggle or a quip, relishing in "Sandra from Whittlesea's" email, concerning her garden snail on her azaleas.

In the words of Vivian, from The Young Ones, that wonderfully irreverent TV show of the seventies, when they're parodying another show of the era, The Good LIfe - "it's all so bloody nice!". H goes on to rip the paper screen down, revealing himself and his crusty housemates (Rick, pronounced Rwick, Neil the hippy, amd Mike, the "normal" one).

Which would all be well and good were it not for the fact that, like the waiters/resses in any American town, whose words of greeting are largely and predominantly a training result, with the ultimate aim being of the customer returning - with their wallet, obviously.

Now that niceness is infringeing on my life. Bastard! Just fuck off, right!

Mine is a working ute, not a North Shore mother's fucking status symbol. If this proposed law had been in effect the last six months, I'd have been well stuck...it carries things often, things that couldn't be carried in anything else, save a truck. As ute's do, and it goes to places where the four-wheel factor is required.




All my protestations aside, I think it's coming - eventually. Hopefully after the point I no longer care.

OPEN LETTER TO ALL MOGGIES IN THE WOLONDILLYSHIRE

Your swanning about the neighbourhood like you own it, secure in the knowledge that all the dogs are safely ensconsed behind locked gates or tethered to their fat masters, is at an end.

The Boys are in town.

Therefore let it be known, any scrawny cat found on the street while the Boys are patrolling is fair game.


The amnesty of the past two weeks (which was ample time for you to get outa town) ends at midnight on the 6th of March - that was last night btw, and one of your crew found out tonight to its surprise. (Heh heh - go Scoob!)


You have been warned...be afraid - be very afraid.


By order of the Boys' management.

LIFE'S FUNNY

It's also remarkable, the simple pleasure one can get from hanging out the washing.

MUTTARS' NEW HOME

Greetings from the Wolondilly Shire. After six months living in the back of my ute, I've eventually secured a new home (after too many false starts).

A little 2-bedder with air-cons and a chimney; no fire but that's okay, I can put one in if necessary. The air-con is reverse cycle so it's not a pressing issue (plus it's hot as a mf at the minute). A car port and a garage for the dirtbike, and more importantly, I can get it out for a blast. Video to follow.

Woohoo! I have a sofa and TV again. And shower, toilet etc. And let me tell ye, not having 24/7 access to a toilet is flirting with constipation constantly. You just need to see the "boss of the body" joke to understand how debilitating that can be.

But that's in the past; Muttars is regular again. (Too much information?)

Anyway, I'm in.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

BLOODY SCOOB

Damnit! Left the butter out again and Scoob scoffed the whole lot! His cholesterol must be through the roof and he'll have the scoots. More importantly, no butter for toast - nightmare!

KALAHARI

It's remarkable, y'know, the kind of TV one watches when not offered the chance of "light entertainment". Which was my diet often before what has now become know as "The collapse".

One legacy (amongst many) of the collapse, is the absence of satellite TV - you'll remember the bastards at Austar - on which I watched said light entertainment. With 40 channels I still found myself bored with the offerings on occasion and resorted to sit-coms etc.

Well now I don't have satellite and let me tell ye - there is very little on the commercial channels worth a look in the wee hours of the morning (which is when I get home from work). Christian TV, infomercials and this desperate grab for cash, The Mint - a truly woeful show where these speedtalkers (who also happen to be rather attractive) just, much like radio, abhor dead air and do everything but get naked to convince thew viewer to ring the 1900 number.

So I've been watching ABC; which is...educational at least. Am currently watching a show on the Kalahari. Seems like paradise.
The eagles have arrived due to the abundance of fish in the panhandle. Majestic they are - and powerful. Lifting themselves out of the water after losing a fight with a competitor for the air takes a great amount of effort and the bird's whole body shakes in unison as the great wings hoist it into the air.

Crocodiles, elephants, antelope. Insects, mice, fish that can breath air and walk with the aid of specially formed gills.
And herds of buffalo; meaning the carnivores won't be far behind. As if on cue, the lions have arrived, swaggering into town with the self assurance that comes with the king of beasts.

And they make a kill; they do it by suffocation so the buffalo just waits to die with the jaws of a lioness clamped round its throat. I always find that sad but hey, the lions have to eat too (and they don't have Burger King in the Kalahari!).

And one only has to see the lioness licking clean her clubs, to forget any feelings of abhorrence at the brutality of the kill.

The giraffes are next in the sights of the cameraman, along with baboons.

Now fire arrives; and consumes the delta. Thousands of slow, young and infirm animals die in the ensuing inferno. The lioness who earlier showed brutality in the kill, then tenderness with her cubs is now searching for them. They're hiding place was torched in the blaze.

Often this would end in disaster but whether fact, or by the hands of the film maker, we see the little cubs rediscover their mother.

The Garden of Eden.

The cycle of life.

JOKE OF THE WEEK

I was out walking the Boys the other night when I saw my mate walking down the street with a girl on his back.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked.
"Going to a fancy dress party", he replied.
"Fancy dress, eh", I said, "What are you going as?"
"A tortoise", he replied, tipping his head towards the girl on his back. "This is Michelle!"